If you haven’t heard, our daughter Emerson was born earlier this month! Chris and I are so in love with her. Emerson is just the sweetest baby and Juju is really into being a big sister. Chris is, as always, an amazing dad and the best husband. This moment feels so sweet for us.
I wanted to share a little bit about my postpartum experience so far. People say every birth is unique, and now I realize that every postpartum period is unique, too. I’m really open about the fact that after having Jupiter, I suffered from postpartum depression (PPD). Obviously I loved Jupiter from her first breath, but something just wasn’t clicking for me as a new mom. I had expected to feel certain things as a new mother, but I didn’t. Instead, I spent a lot of time feeling sad and anxious—and guilty about feeling that way.
People say every birth is unique, and now I realize that every postpartum period is unique, too.
It took me a while to realize that I was going through postpartum depression. Fortunately, I came out of it in time, but I remember feeling robbed of the joy I’d been hoping to experience. Even though I’ve experienced SO much maternal joy and love since then, it’s still hard for me to look back at that time. I wish it could have been different, but I’m working on making peace with it.
After PPD, having another child can bring up a lot of feelings. When I got pregnant, I was so excited—but nervous, too. Would I go through the typical postpartum hormonal roller coaster, or would I sink into PPD again? Before Emerson’s due date, I kept reminding myself that worrying wouldn’t change anything. I told myself that I knew (and Chris knew) the signs to watch out for.
But I was fortunate. My postpartum mental health has been really steady, and wow—what a difference! When I first looked into Emerson’s eyes, I immediately had the connection I’d dreamed of. This postpartum period has been so much easier because I feel like my normal self, and I feel 100% connected with my daughters. I’m not sure if it’s because my hormone levels are different this time (which my doctor said could be a factor) but I’m really cherishing these first few weeks as a family of four.
This postpartum period has been so much easier because I feel like my normal self.
Having given birth twice, all I know for sure is that you can’t predict much. There are so many variables. You never know how you’re going to feel or how your labor will go. You don’t know if your mental health may be OK postpartum, or if you’ll have a hard time. What helped me was just surrendering to all of that, and letting go of the desire to control what I can’t control.
I will say that having been through labor before, I had a sense of what to expect. That knowledge helped a ton. I also was proactive about what would happen after Emerson arrived. I really enjoyed putting a postpartum plan care together with my doula, and so much of it has helped me recover and adjust. A midwife has been checking in on me, too and I’m so grateful for her advice. When I mentioned feeling a bit depleted, she recommended Milk Moon Postpartum Restorative Tonic. It’s made with herbs and adaptogens, and it’s safe for breastfeeding. I’ve just started taking it and I’m hoping that it will help me during the “fourth trimester.”
Otherwise, I’m just trying to adjust to our new reality! I’m really trying to be flexible with my routines and rituals. For instance, the first morning after Chris and I brought Emerson home, I went to wake up Jupiter. That’s how it’s always been, and I don’t want that to change—it’s really special to me. But I also had to feed the baby, and I had just woken up, so I wasn’t in the right headspace… pure overwhelm!
I can’t do everything all at once. I need to have some time to myself before I dive into the day.
I quickly realized that I can’t do everything all at once. I need to have some time to myself before I dive into the day. I’ve started to wake up 30 minutes prior to the girls so I can do a meditation, have a coffee, and then get the morning going. It’s a small thing (or maybe not so small if you’re running low on sleep!) but already, it has made a huge difference in how I feel and function.
I really love what our family looks like now. I never imagined that my heart could feel this full, and I’m so glad it does. I’ll share more of my postpartum thoughts when I can. As always, thanks for reading.
—Ashley